Week 10 - Seeking to Understand

John would like to raise his children according to his Catholic faith; but Amy has an aversion to organized religion. Brandon pictures the ideal family consisting of two children and a dog; but Nicole has always wanted a large family. Before marriage, Carla worked hard to earn a law degree and finds her work at a local law firm to be very fulfilling; but Josh has always believed it was important for a mother to be home to raise her children. These are examples of perpetual issues that married couples face.

Every marriage is a union of two unique individuals. Each partner brings to the marriage their personalities, hopes, dreams, quirks, habits, and histories. It is no wonder then that as two unique individuals strive to meld their lives into one, there will be conflict. According to Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, almost 70% of marital conflict can be classified as perpetual, meaning it will most likely be a continuous part of the marriage.  At first glance these issues appear to be rather monumental and capable of destroying a marriage. However, Dr. Gottman assures that couples who acknowledge such differences and find ways to cope with them together will prevent perpetual problems from overwhelming their marriage.

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One key element in coping with perpetual problems is to seek for greater understanding of your spouse’s dreams, hopes, aspirations, and wishes. Dr. Gottman says “happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage.” (Gottman, p. 239). Drawing from the examples above, Carla may have the dream of being able to financially support her family should anything ever happen to her husband. She was raised by a single mother, and finances were always a source of great stress for her mother, so Carla wants to do all she can to avoid this possibility in her own life. Josh’s father always had a steady job and a good income, so his mother was able to stay at home to raise the children. He loved coming home from school knowing that his mother was there, and has fond memories of chatting with her about his day. He dreams of his own children having the same close relationship with Carla.

Neither dream is right or wrong. As Carla and Josh truly seek to understand each other’s dreams and where they come from, they will be able to find ways to work through their differences. Perhaps together they decide that Carla will work part-time and only during school hours. When the children are older she can go back to work full-time again. Recognizing what parts of your dream you can compromise on, and what parts of your dream you can’t let go of will help prevent a perpetual problem from unraveling your marriage.

In seeking to understand our spouse better, perhaps the most important element is to develop charity for our spouse. I have always thought of charity as being “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:47); something we should have towards all men. However, I’m afraid to say I’ve never really considered how charity applies to my marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard teaches how charity should look in a marriage relationship. On page 116 he shares this quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton, “Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” What a simple but profound truth! I married my husband because he possessed many admirable qualities that I wanted in my eternal companion. What I realize now is that I also married him with his imperfections; he came as a package deal. Dr. Goddard says “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!” (Goddard, p. 126). To me this means that I don’t just love my husband in spite of his imperfections, I love him with his imperfections! I help him to overcome them, just as he helps me to overcome mine. I feel his sorrows with him and I feel his joys. In short, with charity I learn to love my husband as the Savior loves each of us! 

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Week 9 - Managing Conflicts and Consecrating Ourselves

            Our family loves to go camping! We love being together in the outdoors, roasting marshmallows over the campfire, hiking in the mountains, skipping rocks across lakes, and gazing at the stars at night. There is one thing about camping that we don’t like – the bugs! We have yet to go on a camping trip without being bothered by mosquitoes or horseflies. But because we love all of the other aspects of camping so much, we are willing to put up with the pesky flying insects and we manage to still enjoy our camping trips.

            Just as mosquitoes and horseflies are a constant part of camping, conflict is a constant part of marriage! Whether a marriage is happy and stable, or rocky and teetering – every husband and wife inevitably grapples with conflict from time to time. What makes or breaks a marriage is how they learn to manage the conflict.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman says “Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (p. 137) Dr. Gottman further explains that most marital conflict can be placed into one of two categories: solvable or perpetual. Solvable conflicts are those that can be resolved and generally deal with specific situations or circumstances, such as a husband not taking the garbage out when asked or a wife not paying the phone bill on time. Perpetual conflicts are recurring differences that are not likely to be resolved such as different religious beliefs or personality traits.

            Regardless of the type of conflict a couple faces, Dr. Gottman provides some strategies and techniques a couple can learn to help manage conflict in a way that does not undermine the stability of their marriage, but rather enhance and strengthen it. One key principle is to realize that no one is right; there is not a “winner” and a “loser” in marital conflict. Each spouse’s point of view and perception is equally valid and deserves respectful consideration by the other spouse. This is not saying that spouses must always agree with one another, but rather validate and accept the other’s point of view and emotions as belonging to them and therefore being important.

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            Another strategy is for spouses to remember to focus on nurturing fondness and admiration for one another. (See previous blog post: Week 6 – Cherishing Your Spouse). Focusing on the other’s positive attributes will help a couple to relax about their partner’s faults. The good will overshadow the bothersome and irritating, and when conflict arises the couple has plenty of deposits in their “love bank account” to carry them through a rough patch.

            Perhaps the most important principle to help couples manage conflict is forgiveness. Dr. Gottman says “It’s all too easy to hold a grudge. For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit.” (p. 159). In an inspiring talk given in April 2007, President James E. Faust shares the following counsel about forgiveness:

“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. We need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. I will take humility to do this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of forgiveness, He will help us. Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness can the Lord put comfort into our hearts. Let us remember that we need to forgive to be forgiven.”

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            When our family goes camping, we know we can expect there to be mosquitoes and biting horseflies. Rather than huddle in the tent complaining about the annoying insects ruining our trip, or, even worse, avoiding camping altogether, we choose to deal with it the best we can. We maintain our happy attitudes so that we can have a great family vacation and make good memories.

            In marriage, conflict is to be expected, but it doesn’t have to ruin a relationship! By validating and accepting the opinions and emotions of one’s partner, nurturing fondness and admiration in the relationship, and applying the principle of forgiveness, couples will find their marriage to be as fulfilling and happy as they ever imagined it could be. 

Sources:

Faust, J. E. (2007, May). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Ensign.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.

Week 8 - Beware of Pride

Beware of Pride

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A few years ago my husband and I started noticing some patches of our lawn turning brown. We thought that maybe these areas needed more water, so we spent a great amount of time assessing our sprinklers and making adjustments. The next year the dead patches had expanded, and nothing we did that summer seemed to make any difference. In frustration, my husband cut out the dead patches of grass and planted new seed. The following summer the new grass was again dying in those areas, as well as the surrounding grass! Finally, we called in experts who diagnosed our problem – grubs! With vigorous treatment we were able to finally get rid of the grubs and have a healthy looking lawn again.

Similarly, as a husband or wife we may notice difficulties in our marriage relationship, but have a hard time identifying just what is causing the problems. With our lawn, my husband and I were

unable to see the grubs by just looking at the grass from the top; we had to get down under the soil in order to find the cause of our dying grass. With our marriage we may need to look a little deeper within ourselves to find some of the root causes of our marriage troubles. Most likely we will find some form of pride, which, if left untreated, will infest our marriage and cause great damage.

In his 1989 talk, Beware of Pride, President Ezra Taft Benson gave some great counsel about the characteristics of pride and the harm that it can do in our relationships with others. He taught that “selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. ‘How everything affects me’ is the center of all that matters.” He also taught that the proud are easily offended, hold grudges, withhold forgiveness, find fault in others, engage in gossip and backbiting, are jealous of others, stir up strife and contention, and refrain from praising others in an effort to make themselves look better. (See Proverbs 13:10, 28:25). The presence of any of these forms of pride in our attitudes and behaviors will adversely affect all of our relationships. In fact, President Benson says “Our degree of pride determines how we treat God and our brothers and sisters. Christ wants to lift us to where He is. Do we desire to do the same for others?” (Benson, 1989).

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It is our prideful tendencies that cause us to assume that if we are feeling unhappy or frustrated it is because our spouse is not doing their part. “After all,” we think, “isn’t that their job – to make sure my needs are met and I am happy?” Our society endorses this attitude of “looking out for #1” and

doing what is best for ourselves with little to no regard for others. According to Dr. Goddard, “this is precisely the wrong strategy for strengthening a relationship.” As contrary as it may sound, Dr. Goddard suggests that the best way to ensure our own joy and happiness is to turn our attention to ensuring the joy and happiness of our spouse! (Goddard, p. 69-70). As we sincerely try to meet the needs of our spouse, we will find the prideful tendencies slowly fading away and being replaced with greater love for our spouse.

It took my husband and me quite a while to figure out that the problem with our lawn was grubs. However, just because we treated the lawn and cured the problem it doesn’t mean that that is the last we will ever see of the grubs. They are sure to come again, and we must be constantly on the lookout so that we can stop the damage before it gets too great. Hopefully, with a better understanding of what pride looks like in a marriage relationship, we can each take action at the first sign of trouble and get rid of the pride that is keeping us from having happy and satisfying marriages.  

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Sources:

Benson, H. W. (1989, May). Beware of Pride. Ensign.

Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

Week 7 - Staying Emotionallly Connected

Scenario 1

Wife texts husband: “Boy, I’ve had a rough day today. I could sure use a night out with you.”

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Husband texts back:  “Work has been crazy today and I wanted to invite Ryan over to watch the game with me.”

Wife: “Oh. Ok. See you when you get home.”

Husband: “See ya.”

Scenario 2

Wife texts husband: “Boy, I’ve had a rough day today. I could sure use a night out with you.”

Husband texts back: “Crazy day for me, too. How about I bring home a pizza for dinner, then you and I can go walk around the river and you can tell me about your day.”

Wife: “That sounds heavenly! We can get ice cream too…you can choose the flavor!”

Husband: “Sounds like a plan. Hang in there.”

Wife: “Thanks. I sure do love you!”

Husband: “Love you right back!”

Each of these scenarios probably sounds familiar to every married couple; after all, variations of these conversations take place on a daily basis in every marriage relationship. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman explains that when husbands and wives reach out for the other they are “making ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support” (Gottman, p. 88). Bids can be small and subtle, such as the wife above hinting at a date night; or large and outright, such as a husband asking for help in dealing with the loss of his job. In every case it’s as if the spouse is saying, “Hey, I’m here, and I need to know you notice and care about me.”

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With each bid for attention, the other spouse then has a choice to make: to turn toward the spouse (as in scenario 2) or to turn away (scenario 1). Turning towards each other is actually very simple to do and begins with being aware that the little moments of daily interactions and connection are the foundation to the overall happiness and romance in the marriage. It’s common to have a romanticized idea that you need to go on a cruise or a weekend getaway to a cabin in the woods in order to put the spark back in your marriage. The reality is that such vacations will only add zest to your marriage if you have been staying in touch in the little ways, or in other words recognizing your spouse’s bids for attention and turning toward him or her instead of away.

About 15 years ago my husband and I went to a weeklong business convention halfway across the country. We were looking forward to getting away from the busy-ness of our daily lives and reconnecting as a husband and wife. However, we found that just the opposite was happening. We didn’t agree on what to do with our free time, it was hard to find anything to talk about, and we were increasingly annoyed and frustrated with each other. I remember thinking that something was seriously wrong with our relationship if we couldn’t even enjoy each other enough to spend a week together! I’ve thought about this a lot over the years and realized that our mistake was in neglecting the little things that would keep us connected on a day-to-day basis before we even went on our big trip.

So how can you work on recognizing your spouse’s bids and turning towards him or her rather than away?

First, sometimes our spouse’s bids for attention are wrapped in anger or negative emotion, making it natural for us to respond with criticism or defensiveness….anything other than love and concern. For example, one day while I was hurriedly trying to finish a paper before a deadline my husband casually asked what I had planned for dinner. My response was a curt “I haven’t even thought about dinner, can’t you see I’m stressed about this paper?!” What came out sounding angry was actually a plea for help, “I’m really stressed here, I could probably use some help with dinner tonight.” In such situations Dr. Gottman suggests “before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words.” (Gottman, p. 92).

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Second, think of your marriage as a relationship bank account. Each time you say something nice to your spouse, give a hug or kiss, send a quick text message during a busy day, or take out the trash

without being asked, you are making deposits in your account. Making frequent deposits will assure that when withdrawals come in the form of stress or conflict you have sufficient funds to not deplete your account.

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A third way to help in turning toward each other as a couple is to first turn towards God. President Ezra Taft Benson taught that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or fall out of our lives” (Benson, 1988). In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard explains that part of putting God first is to have faith in His son, Jesus Christ. You may wonder how faith in Christ can help in your marriage. Dr. Goddard says, “As we turn from the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of God-given charity” (Goddard, pp. 59-60). As you exercise faith in Christ you will begin to see your spouse as God does, and your heart will be filled with the ability to overlook their imperfections and focus instead on what you can do to raise them up to their full potential. In every effort you make to turn towards God and Christ you will also be turning towards your spouse.

In the 15 years since our unharmonious vacation, my husband and I have worked diligently to make daily deposits in our love banks, to recognize and respond appropriately to each other’s bids, and to put God first and bring Christ into our marriage. I’m happy to report that our love for each other has grown deeper, stronger, and more rich and rewarding than either of us imagined. We’ve gone on other vacations together and created memories that have been romantic and fun. For myself, the most amazing thing I’ve noticed is that as I have worked on putting my husband’s needs before my own, my efforts have been reciprocated and I feel like I receive much more than I give. Although we still have much to work on, I look forward to a future where our love for each other will continue to grow!

 

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Sources:

-Benson, E. T., “The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988, p. 4.

-Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

-Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.