Week 10 - Seeking to Understand

John would like to raise his children according to his Catholic faith; but Amy has an aversion to organized religion. Brandon pictures the ideal family consisting of two children and a dog; but Nicole has always wanted a large family. Before marriage, Carla worked hard to earn a law degree and finds her work at a local law firm to be very fulfilling; but Josh has always believed it was important for a mother to be home to raise her children. These are examples of perpetual issues that married couples face.

Every marriage is a union of two unique individuals. Each partner brings to the marriage their personalities, hopes, dreams, quirks, habits, and histories. It is no wonder then that as two unique individuals strive to meld their lives into one, there will be conflict. According to Dr. John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work”, almost 70% of marital conflict can be classified as perpetual, meaning it will most likely be a continuous part of the marriage.  At first glance these issues appear to be rather monumental and capable of destroying a marriage. However, Dr. Gottman assures that couples who acknowledge such differences and find ways to cope with them together will prevent perpetual problems from overwhelming their marriage.

http://wmnlife.com/images/7-rules-that-married-couples-can-ignore/.jpg

One key element in coping with perpetual problems is to seek for greater understanding of your spouse’s dreams, hopes, aspirations, and wishes. Dr. Gottman says “happy couples are aware of each other’s dreams and consider helping each other realize them to be one of the goals of marriage.” (Gottman, p. 239). Drawing from the examples above, Carla may have the dream of being able to financially support her family should anything ever happen to her husband. She was raised by a single mother, and finances were always a source of great stress for her mother, so Carla wants to do all she can to avoid this possibility in her own life. Josh’s father always had a steady job and a good income, so his mother was able to stay at home to raise the children. He loved coming home from school knowing that his mother was there, and has fond memories of chatting with her about his day. He dreams of his own children having the same close relationship with Carla.

Neither dream is right or wrong. As Carla and Josh truly seek to understand each other’s dreams and where they come from, they will be able to find ways to work through their differences. Perhaps together they decide that Carla will work part-time and only during school hours. When the children are older she can go back to work full-time again. Recognizing what parts of your dream you can compromise on, and what parts of your dream you can’t let go of will help prevent a perpetual problem from unraveling your marriage.

In seeking to understand our spouse better, perhaps the most important element is to develop charity for our spouse. I have always thought of charity as being “the pure love of Christ” (Moroni 7:47); something we should have towards all men. However, I’m afraid to say I’ve never really considered how charity applies to my marriage. In his book, Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage, Dr. Wallace Goddard teaches how charity should look in a marriage relationship. On page 116 he shares this quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton, “Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down.” What a simple but profound truth! I married my husband because he possessed many admirable qualities that I wanted in my eternal companion. What I realize now is that I also married him with his imperfections; he came as a package deal. Dr. Goddard says “Rather than re-working our partners to our liking, we are invited to cover their weaknesses with our charity!” (Goddard, p. 126). To me this means that I don’t just love my husband in spite of his imperfections, I love him with his imperfections! I help him to overcome them, just as he helps me to overcome mine. I feel his sorrows with him and I feel his joys. In short, with charity I learn to love my husband as the Savior loves each of us! 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/93/9a/3a/939a3a0e8f5f225d07ef64aff07af4b7.jpg