Our family
loves to go camping! We love being together in the outdoors, roasting
marshmallows over the campfire, hiking in the mountains, skipping rocks across
lakes, and gazing at the stars at night. There is one thing about camping that
we don’t like – the bugs! We have yet to go on a camping trip without being
bothered by mosquitoes or horseflies. But because we love all of the other
aspects of camping so much, we are willing to put up with the pesky flying
insects and we manage to still enjoy our camping trips.
Just as
mosquitoes and horseflies are a constant part of camping, conflict is a constant
part of marriage! Whether a marriage is happy and stable, or rocky and
teetering – every husband and wife inevitably grapples with conflict from time
to time. What makes or breaks a marriage is how they learn to manage the
conflict.
In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman
says “Every marriage is a union of individuals who bring to it their own
opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very
happy marriages spouses must cope with a profusion of marital issues.” (p. 137)
Dr. Gottman further explains that most marital conflict can be placed into one
of two categories: solvable or perpetual. Solvable conflicts are those that can
be resolved and generally deal with specific situations or circumstances, such
as a husband not taking the garbage out when asked or a wife not paying the
phone bill on time. Perpetual conflicts are recurring differences that are not
likely to be resolved such as different religious beliefs or personality
traits.
Regardless
of the type of conflict a couple faces, Dr. Gottman provides some strategies
and techniques a couple can learn to help manage conflict in a way that does
not undermine the stability of their marriage, but rather enhance and
strengthen it. One key principle is to realize that no one is right; there is
not a “winner” and a “loser” in marital conflict. Each spouse’s point of view
and perception is equally valid and deserves respectful consideration by the
other spouse. This is not saying that spouses must always agree with one
another, but rather validate and accept the other’s point of view and emotions
as belonging to them and therefore being important.
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Another strategy
is for spouses to remember to focus on nurturing fondness and admiration for
one another. (See previous blog post: Week 6 – Cherishing Your Spouse).
Focusing on the other’s positive attributes will help a couple to relax about
their partner’s faults. The good will overshadow the bothersome and irritating,
and when conflict arises the couple has plenty of deposits in their “love bank
account” to carry them through a rough patch.
Perhaps the
most important principle to help couples manage conflict is forgiveness. Dr.
Gottman says “It’s all too easy to hold a grudge. For a marriage to go forward
happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This
can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you
both benefit.” (p. 159). In an inspiring talk given in April 2007, President
James E. Faust shares the following counsel about forgiveness:
“If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us
hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. We
need to recognize and acknowledge angry feelings. I will take humility to do
this, but if we will get on our knees and ask Heavenly Father for a feeling of
forgiveness, He will help us. Only as we rid ourselves of hatred and bitterness
can the Lord put comfort into our hearts. Let us remember that we need to
forgive to be forgiven.”
When our
family goes camping, we know we can expect there to be mosquitoes and biting
horseflies. Rather than huddle in the tent complaining about the annoying
insects ruining our trip, or, even worse, avoiding camping altogether, we choose
to deal with it the best we can. We maintain our happy attitudes so that we can
have a great family vacation and make good memories.
In
marriage, conflict is to be expected, but it doesn’t have to ruin a
relationship! By validating and accepting the opinions and emotions of one’s
partner, nurturing fondness and admiration in the relationship, and applying
the principle of forgiveness, couples will find their marriage to be as
fulfilling and happy as they ever imagined it could be.
Sources:
Faust, J. E. (2007, May). The Healing Power of Forgiveness. Ensign.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven
principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's
foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
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