Week 7 - Staying Emotionallly Connected

Scenario 1

Wife texts husband: “Boy, I’ve had a rough day today. I could sure use a night out with you.”

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Husband texts back:  “Work has been crazy today and I wanted to invite Ryan over to watch the game with me.”

Wife: “Oh. Ok. See you when you get home.”

Husband: “See ya.”

Scenario 2

Wife texts husband: “Boy, I’ve had a rough day today. I could sure use a night out with you.”

Husband texts back: “Crazy day for me, too. How about I bring home a pizza for dinner, then you and I can go walk around the river and you can tell me about your day.”

Wife: “That sounds heavenly! We can get ice cream too…you can choose the flavor!”

Husband: “Sounds like a plan. Hang in there.”

Wife: “Thanks. I sure do love you!”

Husband: “Love you right back!”

Each of these scenarios probably sounds familiar to every married couple; after all, variations of these conversations take place on a daily basis in every marriage relationship. In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. John Gottman explains that when husbands and wives reach out for the other they are “making ‘bids’ for each other’s attention, affection, humor, or support” (Gottman, p. 88). Bids can be small and subtle, such as the wife above hinting at a date night; or large and outright, such as a husband asking for help in dealing with the loss of his job. In every case it’s as if the spouse is saying, “Hey, I’m here, and I need to know you notice and care about me.”

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With each bid for attention, the other spouse then has a choice to make: to turn toward the spouse (as in scenario 2) or to turn away (scenario 1). Turning towards each other is actually very simple to do and begins with being aware that the little moments of daily interactions and connection are the foundation to the overall happiness and romance in the marriage. It’s common to have a romanticized idea that you need to go on a cruise or a weekend getaway to a cabin in the woods in order to put the spark back in your marriage. The reality is that such vacations will only add zest to your marriage if you have been staying in touch in the little ways, or in other words recognizing your spouse’s bids for attention and turning toward him or her instead of away.

About 15 years ago my husband and I went to a weeklong business convention halfway across the country. We were looking forward to getting away from the busy-ness of our daily lives and reconnecting as a husband and wife. However, we found that just the opposite was happening. We didn’t agree on what to do with our free time, it was hard to find anything to talk about, and we were increasingly annoyed and frustrated with each other. I remember thinking that something was seriously wrong with our relationship if we couldn’t even enjoy each other enough to spend a week together! I’ve thought about this a lot over the years and realized that our mistake was in neglecting the little things that would keep us connected on a day-to-day basis before we even went on our big trip.

So how can you work on recognizing your spouse’s bids and turning towards him or her rather than away?

First, sometimes our spouse’s bids for attention are wrapped in anger or negative emotion, making it natural for us to respond with criticism or defensiveness….anything other than love and concern. For example, one day while I was hurriedly trying to finish a paper before a deadline my husband casually asked what I had planned for dinner. My response was a curt “I haven’t even thought about dinner, can’t you see I’m stressed about this paper?!” What came out sounding angry was actually a plea for help, “I’m really stressed here, I could probably use some help with dinner tonight.” In such situations Dr. Gottman suggests “before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words.” (Gottman, p. 92).

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Second, think of your marriage as a relationship bank account. Each time you say something nice to your spouse, give a hug or kiss, send a quick text message during a busy day, or take out the trash

without being asked, you are making deposits in your account. Making frequent deposits will assure that when withdrawals come in the form of stress or conflict you have sufficient funds to not deplete your account.

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A third way to help in turning toward each other as a couple is to first turn towards God. President Ezra Taft Benson taught that “when we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or fall out of our lives” (Benson, 1988). In his book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Dr. H. Wallace Goddard explains that part of putting God first is to have faith in His son, Jesus Christ. You may wonder how faith in Christ can help in your marriage. Dr. Goddard says, “As we turn from the natural man to the ways of Christ, we will respond to our challenges differently. Instead of judging our partner, we will invite Christ to soften our hearts and fill us with goodness. No challenges or differences in marriage can thwart the work of God-given charity” (Goddard, pp. 59-60). As you exercise faith in Christ you will begin to see your spouse as God does, and your heart will be filled with the ability to overlook their imperfections and focus instead on what you can do to raise them up to their full potential. In every effort you make to turn towards God and Christ you will also be turning towards your spouse.

In the 15 years since our unharmonious vacation, my husband and I have worked diligently to make daily deposits in our love banks, to recognize and respond appropriately to each other’s bids, and to put God first and bring Christ into our marriage. I’m happy to report that our love for each other has grown deeper, stronger, and more rich and rewarding than either of us imagined. We’ve gone on other vacations together and created memories that have been romantic and fun. For myself, the most amazing thing I’ve noticed is that as I have worked on putting my husband’s needs before my own, my efforts have been reciprocated and I feel like I receive much more than I give. Although we still have much to work on, I look forward to a future where our love for each other will continue to grow!

 

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Sources:

-Benson, E. T., “The Great Commandment – Love the Lord,” Ensign, May 1988, p. 4.

-Goddard, H. W. (2007). Drawing heaven into your marriage: powerful principles with eternal results. Fairfax, VA: Meridian Pub.

-Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.