When a man and a woman marry
they are creating a new family and a new household. Each makes a transition
from being a single person to jointly sharing a life with someone else. In making
this transition, the question often arises:
Who’s The Boss?
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Now, I’m not talking about
the popular 80’s TV sitcom, but rather the more serious issue of who holds the
power or control in the relationship. Often this is a source of serious marital
problems. The wife may feel that her opinion is not valued or desired or that
her husband does not consult her regarding important family decisions. The
husband may feel that he has no say over disciplining the children or managing
the household. According to Dr. John Gottman, “When there’s an imbalance of
power, there’s almost inevitably a great deal of marital distress.” (Gottman,
p. 115). Likewise, Richard B. Miller states “Many marital problems have as
their root cause an unequal relationship or struggles over who has control in
the relationship.” (Miller, 2008).
Perhaps the first step to eliminating power struggles
in marriage is to recognize that in a healthy marriage relationship there is no
“boss”. In The Family: A Proclamation to
the World we are taught “By divine design, fathers are to preside over
their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the
necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily
responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred
responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as
equal partners.” (Hinckley, 1995). Husband and wife share power as equal
partners, even though their responsibilities may be different. Instead of
asking “Who’s the Boss?” each spouse should instead be asking:
“What is my
role as an equal partner in this relationship?”
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Answering this question is
going to be different for every couple and will change throughout the course of
the marriage relationship. For my husband and me, our relationship roles have
constantly changed as we have experienced the births of our children, job
changes, relocating our family, parenting teenagers, having children leave home
for college and missions, fulfilling various church responsibilities, and a
myriad of other influences that take up our time and energy. Throughout our marriage there have been times
when we were each so focused on our individual roles that we neglected to work
together as equal partners. I did my thing, he did his, and before we knew it
we felt distant from one another. What we have found to be most beneficial in
coming together again as husband and wife is to counsel often with each other.
We talk about specific things going on in our lives – our stresses, our fears,
our joys and our triumphs. In addition, we try to lift each other’s burdens by
finding ways to help and support the other.
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Although husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, have
different roles, what is required for a happy, equalized marriage is unity. In
his talk, That We May Be One, Elder
Henry B. Eyring taught how it is possible for the gospel of Jesus Christ to
unite our hearts. “The gift of unity will come through obedience to the laws
and ordinances of the gospel of Jesus Christ. When we keep our covenants to
take His name upon us, to remember Him always, and to keep all His
commandments, we will receive the companionship of His Spirit. That will soften
our hearts and unite us.” (Eyring, 1998). I believe that achieving such unity
in marriage is a lifelong process that requires diligence, patience, and
forgiveness. From my experience I have found that when I forget about
determining “who’s the boss”, and instead focus on what I can do to be an equal
partner in my marriage, there is a greater feeling of mutual compassion,
caring, and support. Together as husband and wife, with the companionship of
the Holy Spirit, we are able to achieve much more than we ever could on our
own!
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Resources:
Eyring, H. B., “That We May Be One, Ensign, May 1998, p. 66.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven
principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's
foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.
Hinckley, G.B., 1995. Retrieved from: https://www.lds.org/topics/family-proclamation?lang=eng&old=true
Miller, R. B., (2008). “Who Is the Boss? Power Relationships
in Families”, Brigham Young University.
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