Week 5 - Behaviors That Negatively Affect Marriage

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Fourteen years ago my husband and I decided to build a new home for our family. I still remember feeling thrilled with the “new home” smell and everything being clean and new. For the first few years, our home was relatively maintenance-free. As the years go on, however, we occasionally experience problems that need our immediate attention: a leaky dishwasher, flooded basement, and burned out light bulbs, just to name a few. When these less-than perfect issues arise, we don’t throw

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our hands up in the air, abandon our home, and go in search of a better one. Such a reaction would be ridiculous. Instead, we identify what the problem is and then work out a plan to fix it.

Marriage is much the same way. The first few years may seem blissful and nearly perfect. But eventually issues will arise that require our attention. Rather than throw up our hands and abandon the marriage, husbands and wives need to identify what the problematic issues are and then work together to correct or fix them. However, identifying the problem can sometimes be a problem in and of itself. My husband and I have often felt at times that something was amiss in our relationship but couldn’t seem to put a finger on it. At those times we tend to revert back to the same old practices and behaviors, which certainly does nothing to fix the problem. 

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So how can we learn to identify the areas of our marriage that are causing problems? Dr. John Gottman has spent the last 40 years studying thousands of married couples and has learned some of the habits that can make or break a marriage. In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr. Gottman identifies some of the problematic issues married couples face as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. 

Horseman 1: Criticism - Criticism occurs when you express negative feelings or emotions about your spouse’s character or personality. “You are always late picking me up! Why can’t you be on time for once?”

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Horseman 2: Contempt – Contempt is a form of disrespect and occurs when one spouse assumes a sense of superiority over the other. “You can’t even keep your car clean! What makes you think you’d be able to take care of a boat, if I let you get one?”

Horseman 3: Defensiveness – Being defensive is a natural reaction but only serves to escalate the conflict and serves as a way to deflect negativity back onto the other person. “Why are you always on my case? How come you can’t see all of the things I did get done today?”

Horseman 4: Stonewalling – Stonewalling occurs when the negativity becomes so strong and overwhelming that one spouse completely shuts down and tunes out of the conversation. 

These four horsemen and their destructive potential will make their appearance in every marriage. The critical factor in determining whether or not they will make or break a marriage is if they are allowed to take up permanent residence or sent galloping on their way. According to Dr. Gottman, the key to kicking these four horsemen out of your marriage “is to strengthen the friendship and trust that are at the heart of any marriage. Whatever the current state of your marriage, it will benefit enormously if you support, reinvigorate, or, if necessary, resuscitate your friendship.” (Gottman, 2015, p. 51-52). 

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To go back to the home repair analogy, fixing a leaky dishwasher will cause some inconvenience, but if it’s not taken care of soon it will eventually lead to water damage in the structure of the house that is much more expensive and difficult to repair and recover from. Likewise, identifying areas in a marriage relationship that need improvement can be painful, but not doing so will result in continued behaviors and practices that will wear your marriage down and cause damage that is difficult to recover from. And remember, once you find those areas of your marriage that need repair, the first place to start is in building up a solid foundation of friendship with each other. 

Source:

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: a practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. New York: Harmony Books.